Monthly Archives: September 2011

A moon-sized space station and super weapon, the Death Star is capable of destroying a planet with a single energy beam. Over the years films and documentaries have detailed the exploits of the upper echelons of command, and the bravery and heroics of many Stormtroopers and Tie pilots. This candid “behind the scenes” investigation tells the story of some lesser known, but equally important characters.

After the Emperor finally passed a bill allowing lesbian Stormtroopers within the Death Star, Stacy and Chantelle rushed to their quarters to celebrate. Tragically, Chantelle died the following day on Endor when she ventured south into the bush and was attacked by a viscous pack of Ewoks.

After finishing work, Claude, the Death Star’s in house baker, is proud to present an example of his work to the cameraman. Although Claude has passed his Level 1 Stormtrooper exams, he prefers the feel of warm dough to that of a cold E-11 blaster rifle in his delicate artisan hands. When he’s not revising for his Level 2 Stormtrooper exams or working in the Imperial bakery, Claude is Dungeon Master at the Sector 12B Roll Playing Games Club. Claude also enjoys badminton and reading.

After persistently complaining about the lack of recreational park land within the Death Star, Patrick was incensed with his demotion to “Prototype Helmet Tester”. Despite his punishment, the proud environmentalist vowed to continue to fight for his cause, as well as supporting the Pro Allotment Union and the League of Extraordinary Ramblers. Patrick also sings in the Imperial choir and likes to write poetry.

After a long day blasting Rebel Alliance x-wing star fighters, Geoff likes nothing better than to pop on his grey blazer, cravat and safety helmet and to go for a leisurely skate around the cargo hold. Despite the fact Darth Vader recently banned roller skating on the Death Star (to stem the growing number of unnecessary personal insurance claims) Geoff lives for the thrill of free wheeling across the pristine polished floors. Geoff commented “When I skate, I’m free. Plus it’s a great way to meet other guys!”

Regrettably with so many men in one confined space, sexual tension runs high on the Death Star. To help “facilitate” the staff who don’t turn gay with time, it is understood that Protocol Droids were retrofitted with fully functioning sex organs. The covert practice of creating these “Shagbots” for staff jollification has always been strenuously denied by Death Star spokesmen; however, the grainy still frame from a night vision surveillance camera clearly shows a Tie fighter’s penchant for robot bootie.

With the author still working undercover, watch out for more “behind the scenes” investigations…

I watched “Battle Los Angeles” last night. As a bit of sci-fi fan I thought it was pretty good. I wish that Hollywood film and TV executives would look a little further afield for locations however. “Terminator”, “Independence Day”, “Volcano”, “Predator 2″, “2012″, “24″ are just a few of the films and shows that all lazely centre specifically on LA. Admittedly a series of “24″ set in the Yorkshire Dales might be a little on the quiet side, but “Battle Skegness” could prove entertaining, and what if Sarah Connar had lived in Cumbernauld when the Terminator popped by? Instead of the film company wasting money constructing an intricate set then systematically destroying it with rounds of ammo, explosions and fire, they could have just blown up Cumbernauld itself. Win, win.