- Advertising (satire and humour) (4)
- Body (sad but funny) (8)
- Discoveries (comedy findings) (12)
- Family (comedy quotes) (7)
- Food (mouth humour) (6)
- Games (beyond comedy) (1)
- Internet (humour from the web) (4)
- Meetings (funny but wrong) (1)
- Sleep (the irony) (3)
- Society (bring on the sarcasm) (4)
- TV (oh the satire) (15)
Monthly Archives: August 2011
I just had a sudden rash of “penis enlargement” emails from Mexico. How on earth did the Mexican pharmaceutical industry know about my problem?
First someone in Romania emailed to advise they could whiten my yellowing teeth, then a guy in South Africa told me he knew how to reduce my weight, followed by someone in Canada offering me Viagra to keep me “hard as a bollard” all night. I don’t know how, but it seems like the whole world knows my most intimate problems and my email address!
Luckily I’ve had an offer of financial support from a very polite banker in Nigeria, so now I’ve sent him my bank details I should be able to afford all the pills I need. Shortly I will be able to temporarily blind innocent onlookers with my radiant smile, reduce my waistline to a size zero, and transform my shrinking pork sword into a weapon of mass destruction.
Thank goodness for the ease and security of electronic mail.
I met the in-laws for a meal at the weekend. My niece has platinum blond hair and speaks in a strong wining Mancunian accent (although she barely said anything all afternoon; she’s at that age). Wherever she goes she wears a pink fluffy coat (that is yet to make the acquaintance of a washing machine), a short denim mini skirt and black high heel boots. It makes her look like a prostitute from the eighties. Her mother doesn’t seem to care, but I think it’s a dodgy look for a six year old.
I’ve always enjoyed the intense taste of Listerine mouth wash. It reminds me of the smell of the little blue urinal blocks you get in motorway service station toilets which cut so acutely through the fishy smell of unwashed penis and stale urine (which in itself reminds me of the scent of Scampi Fries, my favourite bar snack).
Title for a new motion picture: “Jewel in the vajazzle”. I haven’t thought about the plot yet, but the title alone demands the use of an alligator.